Feel Bad After Gambling

Compulsive gambling is more common in younger and middle-aged people. Gambling during childhood or the teenage years increases the risk of developing compulsive gambling. However, compulsive gambling in the older adult population can also be a problem. Compulsive gambling is more common in men than women. “Because of the involvement of a family member, our hearts have been drawn to the Christian Recovery of Compulsive Gambling and Gambling Addiction. After doing considerable research on the internet on compulsive gambling and participating in the Recovery Process (Gambler’s Anonymous) with a loved one in a Support Group (Gamanon), we would.

What do you do if you are married to someone who is caught up into gambling? He or she might even be going down the downhill slope of gambling away your marriage, family relationship, your home and everything you own and treasure.

What if YOU are the gambler who is caught up in this type of behavior?

These are issues we’d like to address in this article that we pray can help you in some way.

When Gambling is Destroying Marriages

We know this is a tall order and that we can only scratch the surface of the subject. But because of the seriousness of this problem, we know it’s important to do what we can to help those who are overwhelmed by it all.

We don’t want to approach this subject as if we are the experts here at Marriage Missions advising you. That is because frankly, we have very little experience in this area of marriage. We do, however, personally know of several couples that have/are dealing with this issue. But that is more of a distant view, rather than an up close and personal one. So we will facilitate within this article, the opportunity for others who are more experienced to share what they have learned.

First:

Lets look at gambling in general to give you information you might find helpful. We’d then like to address the person who is married to the gambler (and other family members and friends). And then we’ll address the gambler, as well.

One of the “truths” concerning gambling that we didn’t know was brought up in an article titled, “Gambling’s Impact on Families.” It is put together by Ronald A. Reno. He wrote:

“A University of Nebraska Medical Center study concluded that problem gambling is as much a risk factor for domestic violence as alcohol abuse. Domestic violence murders in at least 11 states have been traced to gambling problems since 1996.”

Another article written by Ronald Reno (and posted on the Beliefnet.com web site) brings out the scriptural reasons why gambling isn’t something we should indulge in. He brings out the point:

“Jesus commanded, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself‘(Mark 12:31). Gambling, meanwhile, is predicated on the losses, pain, and suffering of others. For one to win at gambling, others must lose. For many, the ramifications attributable to their gambling losses are profound. Families touched by a gambling addiction are at greatly increased risk for such negative outcomes as divorce, bankruptcy, child abuse, domestic violence, crime, and suicide.”

Besides that point, the article brings out others as well, with scriptures to support them. To find out more, please click onto the link below to read:

• GOD AND GAMBLING

Feel Bad After Gambling Winnings

What Can You Do?

After you recognize that there is a gambling problem going on within your family and that gambling can grow in its negative impact, what can the family do about it? Marriageuncensored.com had an interesting article posted on their web site that brings out the important point:

“There’s the failure of the non-addicted spouse and other family members to respond appropriately and helpfully to the situation. Now, don’t get me wrong on this. I understand that the person with the addiction is the one who must ultimately take responsibility and make the changes to get healthy. If you are the supportive spouse, I am not suggesting that you are responsible for the addiction or the havoc it’s wreaking in your home.

“I am suggesting, however, that the way in which you respond can either create an environment that will help your spouse beat their addiction, or it can contribute to and compound the problem. As the partner who is one step removed from the addiction, you will have a huge impact on how this will turn out —for better or worse.

“The tendency of many in this situation is to tiptoe around the addict and their habit. But while letting sleeping dogs lie may get you through the day, it will not bring about the results you desire long-term.”

Gamblers and the Denial Factor

In a web site article, “Tiptoeing Around Addictions” Dr. Dave Currie, with Glen Hoos, made the point that “DENIAL” is one of the “unhealthy ways that “people respond to their spouse’s addiction.” They make the point that the addict tries to deny that there is a problem. But:

“Their spouse, family and friends often get hooked into it as well. The spouse in particular may deny the extent of the problem. They may try to convince themselves that their marriage is strong enough to bear up under this pressure, and that the issue is better left alone.

“You’ve got to be willing to let go of the security of that fantasy, and face reality. The first (and often hardest) step is admitting you have a problem. The issue is there whether you admit it or not; accepting the truth puts you on the road to recovery. If you deny the depth of the problem, your spouse will have no compelling reason to face it either. If this is the case your situation is never going to improve.”

Enablement Concerning Gamblers

And then there is, “ENABLEMENT,” which is “denial taken a step further.” As Dave Currie and Glen Hoos write:

“It’s covering for the addict, protecting them from the natural consequences of their actions. Some examples:

• “The boss calls and asks the woman why her husband isn’t at work today. ‘He’s in bed, sick,’ she answers… neglecting to mention that the sickness is due to a killer hangover incurred the night before.

• “The wife’s gambling addiction has strained the family finances to the point where the bills can no longer be paid. Instead of facing the real issue, the husband arranges to skip a mortgage payment and opens yet another line of credit.”

Facing the Truth

It’s tempting to do this because it seems easier to do this than to face the truth. However, as it’s pointed out:

“What you’re doing when you cover for the person is removing their motivation to change. Maybe he needs to get fired to wake him up. Maybe she needs to go to the store and have her credit card rejected when she’s trying to buy groceries to realize there’s a problem here.”

“Instead of enabling, you’ve got to intervene. Whether that’s a one-on-one confrontation or some kind of a group intervention depends on what you’re facing. But you need to come to the point where you sit down and say, ‘Okay, we have a problem here. What are we going to do about it?'”

Abandonment

Another way that a spouse and family may tiptoe around addiction is that they turn to “ABANDONMENT” as a way to cope.

“They cover for the addict one too many times and have come to the point where they say, ‘You know what? You got yourself into this mess… now get yourself out of it!’ They wash their hands of the situation and leave their spouse to deal with the problem alone.

“It’s understandable that some people get to this point. After all, it’s their spouse who chose this road, and paying for their bad behavior gets old very fast. Nevertheless, if you’re in this position you’ve got to ask yourself how you want this to play out? Do you really want your spouse to get cleaned up and get your marriage back on track? Because if that’s what you want, you’re not going to get it by leaving your husband or wife to fend for themselves. They’re going to need your support and encouragement every step of the way.

Suppress the Urge to Blame

“Somehow, you’ve got to suppress the urge to cast blame and point fingers. Instead of putting the problem between you, you’ve got to stand side-to-side with the problem in front of you and say, ‘We have a problem. It happens to be your addiction, but it’s our problem, and we’re going to solve it together.’ What a world of difference from the, ‘It’s your problem… deal with it!’ approach.

“This is undeniably tough, especially if your spouse is not showing a willingness to do the hard work of recovery. However, don’t mistake support for softness. Supporting your spouse may mean confronting them, refusing to cover for them, and perhaps even separating for a period of time while they work through it. But it’s got to be done in a context of love and encouragement, and an attitude that says, ‘We will do whatever it takes to get you healthy and to put our marriage back on solid ground.'”

Now, it’s true that you may have been there and done that. But it’s important not to keep allowing this addiction to keep going on in your home. That is because it will continue to erode your marital relationship until eventually your marriage will be totally destroyed. There is no doubt that help is needed —desperately!

Flying Solo

“FLYING SOLO” is another temptation facing you in all of this. Dave and Glen write further:

“As in many other areas of life, pride can be crippling when it comes to dealing with addiction. Pride causes you to say, ‘We don’t need help. We can handle this on our own.’

“Most addicts require outside help to fully conquer their habits —and fortunately, help is widely available. Whether it’s Gamblers Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, Sex Addicts Anonymous —name the addiction, and there is likely a group to help people through it. And if there aren’t any groups for it, there are counselors, pastors, friends to walk alongside you. And there are helpful resources available that can really make a difference.

“You’d be wise if you reached out for help at this time, and not just for the one with the addiction. There are also support groups for spouses, friends and family of addicts. Talking with others that are on a similar journey can bring you strength in difficult times.”

Addiction Info

So, in our search for help for those who are being impacted by the negative effects of gambling upon their lives, we found the following to be something that you may want to use. The authors wrote:

“Because of the involvement of a family member, our hearts have been drawn to the Christian Recovery of Compulsive Gambling and Gambling Addiction. After doing considerable research on the internet on compulsive gambling and participating in the Recovery Process (Gambler’s Anonymous) with a loved one in a Support Group (Gamanon), we would like to share what we have found with all who visit this web site.”

To take advantage of what they offer, whether you are a family member, friend or someone who is dealing with your own gambling issues, please click onto the following web site link:

• IS GAMBLING A PROBLEM? Gambling Addiction Information

Something that would be good for the gambler to consider is written by Gregory L. Jantz. Please read:

• 14 QUESTIONS EVERY GAMBLER SHOULD ASK

Older Gamblers

And if you think that it’s only those who are younger that are having problems in this area of life, think again. The ministry of Focus on the Family put together a great series of articles. They are aimed to help those who are living out the years of “Midlife and Beyond.” They are betting their life savings away hoping to obtain more to live on in their growing years. To read the first of the series and then continue on to the other articles they offer on this subject, please read:

• GAMBLING AND SENIORS

We hope you have found this article to be helpful. We encourage you to “Join the Discussion” below if you have further help for those who need it.

Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International wrote this article.

I accept it’s normal to feel frustrated, angry, or even downright stupid when you lose money on your investments.

But what about guilt?

My portfolio’s fall from its peak value in summer 2007 to a low in October 2008 represents a big loss for a 30-something private investor like me: at least a couple of years of after-tax income in cash terms.

More importantly, the losses meant I had fewer options in October 2008 than the year before. I’d originally begun investing to build up a house-buying war chest for when the over-valued housing market corrected itself.

After several years waiting, house prices were finally falling, but my investments had fallen further.

It was my sister who put it simplest and best, when I explained to her my fate:

“Ah, I see. If only you’d sold all your investments and put the money into a savings account! Now you’d have even more money, and you could buy a cheaper house.”

My sister was a 100% right.

Being told what I did wrong by my sister, who takes no real interest in money, might have hurt my pride. But then my emotional state has taken several turns during the bear market. I’ve felt:

• Frustrated: After half a decade of waiting for property prices to fall and saving as much as 50% of my annual after-tax income, I’d thrown away my ticket to the ball.

• Angry: At the world, and at the markets. What were the chances of a once in a hundred year credit crisis coming along just when I was finally getting ready to buy a house?

Feel Bad After Gambling Losses

• Foolish: If I’d thought property prices would fall so far, how could I have missed the connection with the stock market? Wishful thinking, perhaps?

• Guilty: My family background is not a wealthy one, and the money I’d lost was modestly substantial – more than my parents’ life savings. What was I thinking playing roulette with the market and exposing myself to such losses?

Despite these churning emotions, I didn’t sell up in despair. Instead, I kept buying while shares were cheap. I did what history and the likes of Warren Buffett say you should do – hanging in and even buying when others were fearful.

Time will tell if this faith in the stock market simply compounds my losses or leads to a recovery, but I’m glad I’ve stuck to the rational line.

Here some tips that might help you if you’re also feeling guilty or giving in to bear market despair.

1. Don’t take it personally

The stock market doesn’t know or care that I was saving money for a house, or what I’d given up. The world is a billion times bigger than our own investments, and our good or bad decisions. Market declines of 40% will leave anyone’s portfolio battered. A bear market is not your fault.

2. Accept declines are as inevitable as gains

I did very well from my investments between 2003 and 2007. It’s hard to know how well exactly because my record keeping has always been poor (an error in my investing) and also because I kept putting new money into the market in the early years, then stopped when I began a new business in 2006, making year-on-year comparisons difficult.

Feel Bad After Gambling Advice

I’d estimate I doubled my money. And it would be naive of me to think that I’d found a rigged fruit machine that would spew out money in the good times then flash a red warning signal before the money stopped and the local muggers arrived to relieve my wallet.

According to Chris Dillow in a January’s Investor’s Chronicle, the 32% inflation-adjusted fall in UK equities over 2008 was neither unusual nor surprising:

Let’s put it another way. Before this year, the average real return on equities since 1900 was 5.3% a year, with a standard deviation of 20.1 percentage points. Which means our 32% loss is a 1.86 standard deviation event – the sort of thing that should happen, if returns are normally distributed, 3.1% of the time.

But a 3.1% chance is not a freak event. In normal times, when annualised volatility is around 20%, a 1.86 standard deviation daily loss is a fall of 2.2%, equivalent to a 100-point drop in the FTSE 100.

No one would think that a freak event. So why should anyone thing this year’s 32% real loss is? In terms of standard deviation, they’re the same thing.

The reason we’re surprised by big falls is, of course, timescales.

Over the long-term a 32% loss in a single year might be expected, but you’d still only expect to encounter less than half-a-dozen instances in even a long-lived investor’s lifetime. And by the time we’ve understood the lesson, the good times have begun to roll again and we’re tempted to dismiss the big falls as freak events.

But they’re not. Steep stock market drops are part and parcel of investing for stock market gains.

3. Hindsight is the greatest investor

Back to my fruit machine and its red light. Perhaps you think you saw the red light flashing? A few people did.

Given my conviction that the housing market was over-valued, for instance, shouldn’t I have seen that a debt boom had inflated company profits, so that even if shares looked reasonable value on a price-to-earnings basis, the earnings side of the equation was dangerously inflated?

Feel Bad After Gambling Addiction

Stocks were more expensive than they looked: surely I should have seen that?

Maybe, but beware hindsight. For instance, when I pointed friends to my post saying it was perfectly rational to take money out of Northern Rock, the UK bank that went bust in Summer 2007, some said I was crazy.

They told me banks didn’t go bust in Britain in the 21st Century. It’s only after 18 months of relentless bad news that such a view seems dumb.

What I should have done is diversified my portfolio better; in particular, I should have moved a portion into government bonds. Not because I could tell the market would fall and bond prices would rally, but because bonds looked reasonable value and I was massively exposed to stocks.

But why were bonds cheap? Because investors feared inflation. Remember the rice riots and the tortilla wars and oil at $145 a barrel? Would you have bought fixed interest on a 5-6% yield, with inflation approaching 5%? Most of us didn’t, which is why gilts and US treasuries were available at what now looks a great price. This was before the financial crisis, and before the recession, remember. Again, beware hindsight.

The truth is I made some good decisions, such as selling most of my banks, and some bad decisions, such as not putting the proceeds into cash.

4. If you can afford to, buy more shares

I won’t labour this point as I’ve written about the benefits of buying in bear markets several times in the past 12 months:

The key here is that you will feel a lot less terrible when your shares are falling if you know you’re also getting to buy good companies at great prices.

If I had moved more money into bonds back in summer 2007, I’d have been able to re-balance my portfolio again as the stock market fell, moving some money back over from bonds into equities at cheaper prices.

Such asset allocation is definitely on my ‘to master’ list ready for when the next bull market gathers steam.

5. Treat it as a learning opportunity

Asset allocation isn’t the only thing I’ve learned the value of in the past 12 months. Investors in this bear market might be hurting in our portfolios, but we’re receiving priceless experience by virtue of our ringside seat in financial crisis.

Much as I am aware that hindsight is a great investor, I also think it can be a good teacher; I don’t intend to make the same mistakes twice.

A few obvious lessons from the credit crisis:

Beware opaque products: I’m thinking of Bernie Madoff’s hedge fund, or the apparently safe structured products from high street banks that depended on third-parties – such as venerable Wall Street institutions – not going bust in order to honor their obligations.

Higher yield comes at a cost: Even higher interest rates on a simple savings account usually comes at a price, in terms of access or protection. Just ask investors in offshore banks that have gone bust who are still waiting to see if they’ll receive compensation.

Things can always get worse: In March 2008 people were already calling the credit crisis unprecedented, but the crisis got a lot worse as the year wore on. I’m relatively optimistic about the markets from these levels, but I concede the bear market could be far from over.

Don’t let returns derail your strategy: I first invested money in order to build up a house deposit. This was already a risky strategy given that I’d need the money in the medium-term, but as the medium-term became the short-term it bordered on foolish. I should have taken a large portion out and put it into cash, instead of hanging on for even better returns.

The bottom line: Know why you’re investing, and don’t let gains as well as losses upset your path.

I believe you shouldn’t feel guilty about feeling guilty when looking at your portfolio – we humans are emotional creatures.

But then close down your browser, turn off your PC, and take a walk until you’re ready to invest with your head, not your heart.